Living on Diet Coke & Chocolate has been my mantra the last 3 months I spent in a long distance relationship with my husband, Ivan.
It is coming to an end this Monday when I pick him up from LAX and we head out on a cruise ship to Asia until mid-May, making up for lost time by sleeping in a small cabin with bunk beds, ya know, the usual.
My lonely person diet of soda and candy took a couple of strong tolls on me during the process, hopefully not increasing my chances of early diabetes seeing as it is, after all, a diet.
My first panic moment was early during the long distance, about the second week of January. I was moving, alone, in New York, it was freezing and holy mother and biscuits did I need a diet coke- stat!
I walked into the Rite Aid after church (umm… yes, let's pause here another time..) and went straight to the back coolers for a cold bottle of Diet Coke. You would have guessed it, they were out. I thought I could settle with a can, I'd even buy 6, or 12 if I had to, but they were out of those too! They we even out of 2-liters!
I knew this couldn't be possible, this is Diet Coke we're talking about here! I asked a female clerk. I think my words were somewhere along the lines of "I really need a Diet Coke, and I don't think you guys could be out of it, it's a fairly common purchase. I mean, you wouldn't run out of cigarettes." Ok, I know, dramatic, but my reaction became even more theatrical when she looked around a proceeded to point me to the Caffeine free Diet Pepsi. (Are you KIDDING me!!?!?!!?!?) I was livid.
And I never tried to buy Diet Coke after church again.
My second experience was at the end of January.
I was visiting Ivan while on tour, but I stayed in the hotel for the night while he did his show. I was in the car all day, I was tired and had some seriously bad gas cramps. BAD.
For this and other reasons I needed a Diet Coke. I called the Front Desk to ask where any vending machines were or if they sold any at the front desk. (Heaven forbid I actually get up and look myself!)
They only carried Pepsi products (that's a shocker) but there was a CVS down the street. So I grabbed my purse and set out! I've never been addicted to anything, but my 5 minute walk to and around the inside of that CVS was the closest thing I'll ever get feeling Alcohol Withdrawal Syndrome. My heart was beating faster than I ever remember and my anxiety was racing.
(Where is the Soda aisle????) My head turned at every corner and the nervous sweats started sinking in. Finally, I found it. Diet Coke 20oz bottles 2/$3. (Exhale)
I opened one immediately and roamed around the store for some dinner solution. It was 7pm and my plans were with the hotel bathtub and TLC Wedding Fridays. I'm embarrassed to admit it, but I chose a box of Little Debbie Valentine cakes, and it's not the first time I bought them….this year….
So there I am, standing in line with 1 1/2 bottles of Diet Coke and my box of fat girl problems.
And remember when I said I had gas cramps? Well, the Diet Coke served as a pretty excellent trigger for knocking out those suckers.. and that line at CVS was pretty long….
Although Diet Coke was saving my life at this moment, it ruined the evening of the 4 guys who were standing behind me.
I could smell it from the back of the store!
What died?
Dude, that wasn't human!
It was a low point for me guys, a very low point.
For the next two months, Ivan kept touring and I had a mini fridge in my bedroom, stocked with cans of Diet Coke. On top of the fridge was my chocolate stash. Everything was going perfectly.
And then we arrive at this afternoon. A can of Diet Coke and chocolate came to my need at a time it was valued greatest. I started my Saturday morning productive: packing, organizing, putting my expenditures into my excel spreadsheet, checking out my statements, and then I found it:
A letter from February 15, 2014 regarding a fee and new interest rate on my American Express.
I got on the phone. I got the details, I started choking up, I asked more questions, I yelled at the representative and began sending texts to my husband. I listened and texted.
I texted words in all caps.
Words like, FURIOUS, TWICE, FEES, LATE, and YOUR FAULT.
I was bawling. I asked for a new representative.
She said she could waive the fees. I'm bawling even more.
My dad comes in and I can't get out the words - Ivan paid our american express bill late, we got a fee, and interest, I'm so mad, cry, cry, blah, blah.
My mom hears and quickly leaves. She comes back later and whispers something into my dad's ear.
At this point I'm laugh-crying. Don't worry, this is typical of me. I'm embarrassed, I'm so upset, my dad is telling me it's not a big deal. There's no more fee, I apologize to my husband. I'm so mad, blah, blah, cry, cry.
Then my mom starts laughing and says, "Guess what? I just got on the phone with American Express because your father forgot to pay the bill on time and we got a fee too, but we got it waived."
More laugh-crying ensued and my emotional scale was thrown off for the rest of the day. Thank GOD for my mini fridge!
There I was, sitting on my bed, crying into a Lindor truffle.
It was so pathetic. I was pathetic.
I cried. I laughed. I cried some more and pressed the Diet Coke to my lips until the hyperventilating subsided and my emotional scale dropped down to a 3.
And now I sit here, 8pm on a Saturday, finishing another Diet Coke, texting my husband who forgave me minutes after the ALL CAPS anger-text fiasco, and everything is ALL RIGHT.
So remember Ladies, Husbands may leave you, but you will always have chocolate and Diet Coke!
(except at the Rite Aid on Woodside Ave and 61st Street, screw you guys.)
Melissa Hoffman
