Chocolate & Diet Coke, Round Two

And so, I write a second chapter in the love story I began over one year ago:

A girl and her love for things that are bad for her. In this case "bad" only wines down to diet soda and Godiva, but still, every one has a little wickedness in them, right?

It's been a while, but nothing has changed! Popping open a cold can of Diet Coke on a hot summer morning is a happy feeling I can't fully express! Those commercials seemingly do it justice: open happiness! That's what I'm talking about! (NOT the Taylor Swift version, I would not want to be in a living room with 40 billion kittens with a face like that)
Now this is not an advertisement for my favorite beverage, although I wish a thousand times I got paid to write about this affair- my love for diet coke is always more prevalent when Ivan is away- DC has become a very traditional parting gift in our household. The longer you're gone, the more Diet Coke you need to supply!

Why do I need so much Diet Coke? Well, living life as a child who most always had a roommate, then as a college student who always had a roommate, to a bride of 19 who has slept beside a man for over 6 years, it is a little hard for me to be alone at night, with no one to fall asleep talking to. So, basically getting to sleep is an issue. I am a great sleeper and rarely have trouble sleeping or getting to sleep, but I think when I am alone I don't let myself fully relax and dose off- drinking endless supplies of caffeine is only making it worse.. much worse. At night, I don't let my mind stop working- I can sleep during the day just fine! but when the sun goes away- the scaries come out to play~ahhhh! Anyways, DC has become my routine again- I stay at work for 9 hours or more, filling my tummy with those sweet, sweet bubbles until I forget how tired I am- and every night I toss and turn and pay the price- what is this love I am in, Diet Coke!!??!

My relationship with chocolate had only become more seductive-

Earlier this year, I got into a car accident (I originally typed cat accident, can you imagine? It is like Swift's DC fantasy is my worst nightmare and reason I can't sleep at night!) anyway, a car accident that hurt my back and neck and I would take a bath to soak and relax! I set my iPad up on its little stand and would watch Hulu and just hang out until my back felt better and my fingers turned to raisins- apparently my fingers had anti-pruning agent, or I drank plenty of water while in the tub, but this would take me about the equivalent of 1 Bachelor episode- which, if you don't know is 90 minutes long with out commercials! So much of my freetime in January and February was spent in this spa-like state, and of course to up the ante, I would hit up GODIVA on the way home for a snack while I rewatched every season of the Mindy Project and countless other Hulu programs. Sure, I could be doing something useful, but laziness is just too easy, and truffle after truffle was just too delicious!


Several weeks of this routine and I realized I was getting fat! Laying around for hours is one thing, but laying around in hot water while you're stuffing your face with Scotchmallows and chocolate chip cookie dough is just sad. Well, it's a dream the first 5 times and then it becomes just sad...
So I started "working out" aka: running .5-1 miles and doing "my ab routine" aka: 5 minutes of complaining and 3 minutes of what Ivan tells me to do. I actually got good for a while! I felt much stronger and could do a plank for over a minute! Hoorah, I am making a comeback!

I think the point is, that every relationship needs a little balance.  I wish I was in love with running and kale and chia bars, but I chose Chocolate and Diet Coke instead..
Did running help me out when I got into a cat/car accident in January? No, the Doctor told me to stay away from you!  So, I crawled back to chocolate as per Drs orders!
Do kale smoothies have fun, joyful bubbles when you pour it into a glass? Nope, it has green clumps and strawberry seeds that get stuck in your straw and people giving you weird looks because your cup is full of brown clumpy drink and you have serious stank face!

Remember the way Diet Coke makes you smile every time you hear the bottle or can fizz when it opens? Go back to that, Melissa! Remember, when you had nothing else, not even someone to fall asleep talking to, chocolate and Diet Coke were there.  Sure they give you headaches and you gained 8 pounds, but they love you! You need to love them too!


We made it for this long, why not stick it out, right?
Cheers to you, Best Boyfriends!

Me and Diet Coke on a Romantic Evening Date.

Diet Coke and Chocolate

Living on Diet Coke & Chocolate has been my mantra the last 3 months I spent in a long distance relationship with my husband, Ivan.

It is coming to an end this Monday when I pick him up from LAX and we head out on a cruise ship to Asia until mid-May, making up for lost time by sleeping in a small cabin with bunk beds, ya know, the usual.

My lonely person diet of soda and candy took a couple of strong tolls on me during the process, hopefully not increasing my chances of early diabetes seeing as it is, after all, a diet.

My first panic moment was early during the long distance, about the second week of January.  I was moving, alone, in New York, it was freezing and holy mother and biscuits did I need a diet coke- stat!

I walked into the Rite Aid after church (umm… yes, let's pause here another time..) and went straight to the back coolers for a cold bottle of Diet Coke.  You would have guessed it, they were out.  I thought I could settle with a can, I'd even buy 6, or 12 if I had to, but they were out of those too! They we even out of 2-liters!

     I knew this couldn't be possible, this is Diet Coke we're talking about here! I asked a female clerk.  I think my words were somewhere along the lines of "I really need a Diet Coke, and I don't think you guys could be out of it, it's a fairly common purchase. I mean, you  wouldn't run out of cigarettes." Ok, I know, dramatic, but my reaction became even more theatrical when she looked around a proceeded to point me to the Caffeine free Diet Pepsi.  (Are you KIDDING me!!?!?!!?!?) I was livid.

         And I never tried to buy Diet Coke after church again.

My second experience was at the end of January.

I was visiting Ivan while on tour, but I stayed in the hotel for the night while he did his show.  I was in the car all day, I was tired and had some seriously bad gas cramps. BAD.

For this and other reasons I needed a Diet Coke.  I called the Front Desk to ask where any vending machines were or if they sold any at the front desk. (Heaven forbid I actually get up and look myself!)

They only carried Pepsi products (that's a shocker) but there was a CVS down the street.  So I grabbed my purse and set out!  I've never been addicted to anything, but my 5 minute walk to and around the inside of that CVS was the closest thing I'll ever get feeling Alcohol Withdrawal Syndrome. My heart was beating faster than I ever remember and my anxiety was racing.  

(Where is the Soda aisle????) My head turned at every corner and the nervous sweats started sinking in.  Finally, I found it. Diet Coke 20oz bottles 2/$3. (Exhale)

I opened one immediately and roamed around the store for some dinner solution.  It was 7pm and my plans were with the hotel bathtub and TLC Wedding Fridays.  I'm embarrassed to admit it, but I chose  a box of Little Debbie Valentine cakes, and it's not the first time I bought them….this year….

So there I am, standing in line with 1 1/2 bottles of Diet Coke and my box of fat girl problems.

And remember when I said I had gas cramps? Well, the Diet Coke served as a pretty excellent trigger for knocking out those suckers.. and that line at CVS was pretty long….

Although Diet Coke was saving my life at this moment, it ruined the evening of the 4 guys who were standing behind me. 

I could smell it from the back of the store!

What died?

Dude, that wasn't human!

It was a low point for me guys, a very low point.

For the next two months, Ivan kept touring and I had a mini fridge in my bedroom, stocked with cans of Diet Coke.  On top of the fridge was my chocolate stash. Everything was going perfectly.

And then we arrive at this afternoon.  A can of Diet Coke and chocolate came to my need at a time it was valued greatest.  I started my Saturday morning productive: packing, organizing, putting my expenditures into my excel spreadsheet, checking out my statements, and then I found it:

A letter from February 15, 2014 regarding a fee and new interest rate on my American Express.

I got on the phone.  I got the details, I started choking up, I asked more questions, I yelled at the representative and began sending texts to my husband.  I listened and texted.

I texted words in all caps.

Words like, FURIOUS, TWICE, FEES, LATE, and YOUR FAULT.

I was bawling.  I asked for a new representative. 

She said she could waive the fees.  I'm bawling even more.

My dad comes in and I can't get out the words - Ivan paid our american express bill late, we got a fee, and interest, I'm so mad, cry, cry, blah, blah. 

My mom hears and quickly leaves.  She comes back later and whispers something into my dad's ear.

At this point I'm laugh-crying.  Don't worry, this is typical of me. I'm embarrassed, I'm so upset, my dad is telling me it's not a big deal. There's no more fee, I apologize to my husband. I'm so mad, blah, blah, cry, cry.

Then my mom starts laughing and says, "Guess what? I just got on the phone with American Express because your father forgot to pay the bill on time and we got a fee too, but we got it waived."

More laugh-crying ensued and my emotional scale was thrown off for the rest of the day. Thank GOD for my mini fridge! 

There I was, sitting on my bed, crying into a Lindor truffle.

It was so pathetic. I was pathetic.

I cried. I laughed. I cried some more and pressed the Diet Coke to my lips until the hyperventilating subsided and my emotional scale dropped down to a 3.

And now I sit here, 8pm on a Saturday, finishing another Diet Coke, texting my husband who forgave me minutes after the ALL CAPS anger-text fiasco, and everything is ALL RIGHT.

So remember Ladies, Husbands may leave you, but you will always have chocolate and Diet Coke!

(except at the Rite Aid on Woodside Ave and 61st Street, screw you guys.)

Melissa Hoffman

When Should I Have a Baby - and Tactics of Distraction when you get QUESTIONS

I have been married 5 years and I get a surprising personal question asked to me and my husband fairly often:

When are you going to have a baby?

Here are my feelings on being asked such a personal, intrusive question.

For one, it sucks.  It's annoying.  We can complain about it, but instead I'll laugh at it!

I need to look at the positive.  It's not that intrusive.  People care about me and want to be excited for me when this important time comes, if ever.  If I'm in a good mood, I will give answer number one.  An answer, that without sarcasm, I do believe to be a true, great answer.

Number 1. We're just not sure.
      If they apologize, as I believe they should, I follow up with:
"That's alright, the fact that you're interested means you think we'd be good parents!"
It's true. It's easy and after you give the answer, you can come up with a clever excuse to leave.

Last weekend at church really got me thinking a lot about this baby asking situation.
I was in church on Sunday and a girl who is younger than me has two children already.
What does this say about me?
What are other people saying about me?
Do I want a baby now, or do I just feel like I should because I've already been married 5 years?
When will I be ready to have a baby?
What do I say when other people ask me when I'm going to have a baby?
Why all these questions? What does it even matter?


After some thought, I've come up with methods for answering the annoying question:
 "Are you having a baby?"
Here are 5 simple ways to answer.


1. Kindness
While you are probably not in the mood to be kind, one simple way to give an answer and be gone is to simply, BE NICE.  Responses like "Not sure, thanks for asking though!" or "Not yet, but we'll let you know once we know!" can work wonders and make the conversation end shortly. (phew,  it's over!)


2. Juicy Details: (TMI)
Another way to make this annoying conversation end abruptly is to give the unexpected party too many details.  Examples of responses are: 
"We're trying tonight at 11, call us then and maybe we'll have an update for you.." 
"I don't know, every since my husband lost weight, things just haven't been fitting right.." 
"We try to make a baby, but maybe we're just not doing it right.  How'd you get yours?"

Your goal is to make people feel the same amount of discomfort hearing the answer as you feel hearing the question.


3. Sadness or Anger
My mom always said that a good way to answer and have some leave you alone is to burst into tears.
It's no secret that women in relationships in their 20s-30s have been getting this question for generations.  So of course or moms would have good advice!  
When someone asks you the question, just get really upset!  
They'll have compassion on you and leave you alone, hopefully.


4. Indifference
Nothing ends a conversation sooner than a Debbie Downer.  If you act like you don't even care about having a baby, they'll stop asking, right?  Move onto a new topic like work, weather, boating or Jennifer Aniston.
A few emotionless examples of answers are:
"We don't want kids."
"I hate babies"
"Well, I have 2 dogs, and that's basically the same thing!"


5. Sarcasm
If the other answers were not already sarcastic enough, take this opportunity to really get in touch with your inner comedian.  The hardest part about hearing this question is when they follow it up with ADVICE.  

It's troubling the amount of advice I've received in my adulthood about the most personal parts of my life.  I don't mind hearing advice on small, meaningless things.  Can't someone tell me which necklace would compliment my sweater?  Nope.  Some people go right for the gold.  
"You should wear a white business suit for the Open House of your wedding.  My daughter-in-law did and she looked great!"
"You should really start your family early. Women's bodies are made to make babies at 16.  Things start dying off after you turn 21."
Oh my gosh.  I laugh at now, but it was so hard to except that advice graciously.

When a stranger gives you advice about when to start your family, say nothing.  But if you're feeling confident, accept the thought or advice gratuitously and follow it up with a real zinger.

"Thank you, do you have any other advice about my job, marriage, diet or maybe suggestions on a good marinade?"

Need more Tactics for Distraction?

Melissa Hoffman

Tactics for Distraction: Public Weeping

It's no secret that I am a massive cryer.

But I'm a little unconventoinal at the moments I choose to do so.  The Notebook? No. Tarzan? Yes.

Bizzaro, if you will, I have actually never cried at the end of Phantom or Les Miserables,  but I will go through an entire box of tissues during the ending scene in Homeward Bound.  

I am weaknesses. I need to cry.  That's fine.  

It's good.  

I actually like crying.  It releases me lady feelings and I even feel refreshed after a good cry.

There are other immature things I cry over such as:

"What ifs"

                   What if you died?

                   What if my parents died?

                   What if they're out of Jo-Jos again at Trader Joe's?

Seriously, I'm coming from experience, don't play the what if game with yourself, it's not fun and it will ruin your mascara.

Sometimes I'm not even sure why I'm crying.  It's a lot of little things and I'm crying and crying, and yelping even, and eventually the words come out - "What am I doing with my life?"

This is when crying become not fun and I am seriously ashamed of myself. 

The key is to cry when you need to and don't hold your feelings inside for two long.  After a long day, bad audition, relationship feat or friend insult, I need a good solid cry.  I know I need it. 

If I don't do it now, it's going to come later, at a very humiliating and awkward place and I may or may not be STUCK IN PUBLIC AND BURSTING INTO TEARS.

So here they are, from a worthy and experienced source, tactics to distract others from the fact that you are utterly and miserably crying and you need to get the heck outta there!

1. Look up, 

        the florencent lights or sun is simply making your eyes water

2. Yawn!!! 

        man, didn't you suddenly get really tired? Gotsta go!

3. Think of a joke and start laughing, 

        people tear up when they laugh don't they?

4. Answer your phone

        pretend to get a phone call and walk away to "talk in private"

5. The Quadruple Whammy* 

        Look up, yawn, laugh, then answer your phone call.

        

*Note:  only pull out for the big leagues- for me, it's the reunion of Peter and Shadow.                                                     He wasn't too old, he did make it!

5 Simple Tactics to Distract Others from you pathetically crying in public

Melissa Hoffman

http://survivingmormoncouple.blogspot.com

Whatever Happened to the Welch's?

It is long past Christmas and long past my annual viewing of  It's A Wonderful Life, yet I still have one thing that just won't stop bugging me...

Whatever happened to Mr. and Mrs.Welch?

We first meet (the voice of) Mrs. Welch on Christmas Eve during the collapse of George Bailey's terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day.  He returns home from work, upsets his entire family and insults a school teacher, bringing her to tears.  Not typical of most movie heros, but hey, we sympathize with him because he was never able to fulfill his dreams of traveling the world on a cattle boat, and eat coconuts in Hawaii.

The dialogue of this scene makes me laugh/cry in a the most terrible/incredible way.

MARY 

(worried) Oh George, What happened? 

GEORGE

Everything's happened! You call this a happy 

family? Why did we have to have all these kids? 

PETE

Daddy, how do you spell "frankincense"?

GEORGE

shouts) I don't know how you--! Why don't you ask your mother?!
      

[Later on: PHONE RINGS ... MARY PICKS UP]

MARY 

Oh, thank you, Mrs. Welch. I'm sure she'll be all right. The 
doctor says that she ought to be out of bed in time to have her 
Christmas dinner.

GEORGE
Is that Zuzu's teacher?

MARY (hand over receiver)
Yes.

GEORGE
Let me speak to her.

He snatches the phone from Mary.

GEORGE (cont'd)
(on phone)
Hello. Hello, Mrs. Welch? This is George Bailey. I'm Zuzu's 
father. Say, what kind of a teacher are you anyway? What do you 
mean sending her home like that, half-naked? Do you realize she'll 

probably end up with pneumonia on account of you?

MARY (shocked)
George!

She puts a restraining hand on his arm. He shakes it off. She 
cannot know that George's tirade against Mrs. Welch is really a 
tirade against the world,
against life itself, against God. Over the phone we hear Mrs. 
Welch's voice sputtering with protest.

GEORGE
Is this the sort of thing we pay taxes for –– to have teachers 
like you? Silly, stupid, careless people who send our kids home 
without any clothes on?
You know, maybe my kids aren't the best-dressed kids; maybe they 
don't have any decent clothes . . .

The telephone is suddenly alive with a powerful male voice calling

MR. WELCH'S VOICE
Now, who do you think you are?

GEORGE 
Hello? Who is this? Oh, Mr. Welch? Okay, that's fine, 
Mr. Welch. Gives me a chance to tell you what I really think of 
your wife. 

MARY
George . . .

GEORGE (raving at her)
Will you get out and let me handle this?
(into phone –– shouting)
Hello? Hello? What? Oh, you will, huh? Okay, Mr. Welch, any time 
you think you're man enough . . . Hello? Any . . .

The phone hangs up.  [SOUND: SLAMS PHONE DOWN] 

PETE
Daddy, how do you spell "Hallelujah"?

GEORGE (shouts)
How should I know? What do you think I am, a dictionary? 
Tommy, stop that! Stop it!

(screams) Janie, will you stop playing that lousy piano?! Stop it!

Piano stops. Janie starts crying.

Later on, George goes to his friend's bar, and likely the only bar in Bedford Falls, Martini's.  Mr. Welch happens to sit next to him, realizes who George is and seeks revenge by punching George in the mouth.

"And the next time you talk to my wife like that you'll get worse. 
She cried for an hour. It isn't enough she slaves teaching your 
stupid kids how
to read and write, and you have to bawl her out . . ."

He gets kicked out of Martini's with force and Martini vows to never let him in the bar again.

"He don't come in to my place no more."

So in a matter of hours, George Bailey ruins a couple's Christmas, making the wife bawl for an hour and reconsider her career choice and preventing the husband from ever entering the town's coolest and most-likely only bar.  Is that something a "hero" would do?  Come on George Bailey, we can do better than that!

I love the stage direction written in the screenplay: She cannot know that George's tirade against Mrs. Welch is really a tirade against the world, against life itself, against God.

But Mr. and Mrs. Welch didn't know that! They were just yelled at and publicly humiliated! How unfair!

But lucky George gets a Christmas Miracle, witnessing "what the world would be like without him."
He learns his lesson, makes up with his family, saves his job and Clarence gets his wings.
What a win for the Bailey family right?

But what is going to happen on ZuZu's Back-to-School night?
I didn't hear any apology George Bailey.  If someone yelled at me on Christmas Eve, and I had control over their daughter's grade?

Looks like little ZuZu is gettin' an F, Mr. B. Sorry, not sorry.

 For a movie that's all about family, friends and second chances- Don't you think we'd get a little closure on that INSANE YELLING from the supposed "Most Loved Guy in Town"? Maybe a little apology?

Maybe a teacher who let a little girl go outside with her coat unbuttoned doesn't deserve an apology.
Maybe no one cares about the Welch's because Jimmy Stewart is so good-looking.
Maybe after the holidays, Mary scheduled a Parent-Teacher conference for just George and Mrs.Welch.  It seems like something Mary would do - Sweet, Loving, a little micro-managing but mainly sweet and loving.

Maybe the next night, Mr. and Mrs. Welch stood at the bridge and considered taking their own lives but an angel came down from heaven and showed them what the world would be like without them.
(It's A Wonderful Life II possibly...)


Anyway, I will apologize to Mrs. Welch on Mr. Bailey's behalf.  I didn't forget you! And give him a break, what do think he is, a dictionary?


Thank you Frank Capra II for making such a beautiful movie 

New York Girls Wear Big Girl Panties

      I recently had an annoying interaction that I know many women (and especially Moms) deal with. Within the same week I met more than my limit of people who relentlessly asked me to do simple things for them.  At work, people kept asking me questions they could have easily answered themselves- like math problems, food suggestions, or train directions.  Am I being rude, but can't you just ask Siri, or Wiki or Shazam or Yelp or Hopstop or Google, or a robot?  Or, by all means, can you use common sense?

"What train stop is this?"
"Well, what does the sign say?"
"42nd"
"Well, then you're on 42nd, idiot!"

I am just so rude, they should keep NY girls caged.
Anywho, last week, too many people needed my help with questions that were not worth asking.  I don't want to sound like a jerk, but sometimes you gotta be a grown a** woman, stop asking for help and Figure it out yourself!  Or in most cases, Deal with it!

That's why I am grateful to live in New York City!  A city where every girl has a grand set of big girl panties!  Not to be mistaken for these anti-rape panties:

I think it's time to be brave, independent & smart and start doing things ourselves! (unless it's killing a spider or lifting heavy stuff- pick one weakness)


I am a 25 year old Mormon girl living in New York City and I Love it! Am I scared? No. Am I bored? Never.

Just living in this city for one year can change your actions and your belief in yourself!
I am a New York Woman and I am:

1. Independent
I just feel like I can do anything!  My possibilities are limitless because I live in such a beautiful place, I have friends. I am constantly around people, nature, buildings, shopping, good smells, bad smells, and CONTRAST!  You can tell because I said buildings & nature and good smells & bad smells.  I mean, I don't love the smell of urine, but I do love walking by pizzerias and waffle carts! I love the leaves on the trees at the park and I love the Empire State Building.  There is contrast here and I love it all and I am happy.
     There are so many independent women here I can aspire to be like.  Working in NYC makes me feel like I am waving back to 100 years of women saying "Hey ladies! We made it! We have a place in the city workplace! I love cramming onto a subway at 8:15 and swiping my badge in the lobby of my office. I am happy to be in the working class of the greatest city in the world!" (Or just watch Thoroughly Modern Millie and you'll get what I mean...)

2. Cultured
Gals, it's a Melting Pot here!  You can be 23, Mormon and have a baby; you can be 30, Atheist and an actor; you can be 40, Muslim and icing cakes at a bakery.  I've seen it all!  I not only get my fill of culture by being included in this mix of races and religions, but by being exposed to the history, music, art, recipes, museums, statues, concerts, festivals, markets, outdoor recreational activities, movie filming's, celebrity sightings and subway enter-train-ment with young opera stairs, the little Michael Jackson, break dancers, Mariachi bands and homeless guys getting in fights.  I see a lot here.

3. Brave
Being in New York "changed my fate!" 
There were times in my life when I was sad, when I was full of stress and anxiety, when I was too reliant on my husband (or mom.) I outgrew that foolish life way and became brave when I moved to New York City. 
The city unleashed my need to go, get out, explore and have fun! I felt satisfied with my activity level and I grew more and more comfortable with exploring the city by myself.  Spring 2012, my husband got a job in regional theater out of state and I felt confident enough to stay in New York alone.  I worked 2 jobs, auditioned, did call backs, went back to being vegetarian, it was all good.  I was happy.  I felt empowered.  I felt strong.

I lived here for 2 months by myself and I testify, I was safe, I was happy, I was life-fulfilled.  All because I was brave!  Looking back I feel proud of myself and I know I can do all things through Him who gives me strength :) I am brave!

4. Frugal
You think that "New York is so expensive!" And, well.. it is.  BUT, that doesn't mean you have to spend all you money.  Living here has made me more frugal than I have ever been in my entire life and here is why:

I can go ANYWHERE for free!
       I spend $112 per month for unlimited use of MTA and nothing more. I can ride and subway or bus, make as many transfers as I want and I am one happy bee with unlimited destinations

I don't waste any money on food- I enjoy it!
              When I lived in Utah I, and like everybody else there, got bored in Utah, I would get in my car and head to the drive-thru.  It didn't matter if it was an Arby's medium Roast beef meal, McDonalds Ice cream cone, or fourth meal at Taco Bell, it happened several times a week because, friends, I WAS BORED! In New York, Drive-thrus aren't as accessible nor are they popular.  What IS popular are Delis, Salad Bars, Juice Stands and gourmet pizza.  It's not the best for you, but it's a heck of a lot better than Arby's curly fries! Consider that it's not a matter of caring about what you put in your body, the calories, the convenience, the whatever- It's about DELICIOUSNESS!! And when I live here, I don't crave Taco Bell, I crave the delicious Ricotta and Basil Pizza at the famous place around the corner.  Therefore, I save up each week so I can order it and Enjoy my food!  I eat in most days of the week and save up for special meals at local eateries I want to try as an "Adventure."  This way of budgeting allows for a lot less impulse buy and a better grasp on my outgoing money.

Sorry, Cash Only!
              Places that only allow cash actually prevent me from buying things. In addition, most small businesses have a 10-15$ credit limit- you can only use your credit or debit card for large purchases.

No room in the Inn
        I know it's the holidays, so maybe that joke isn't funny but another reason why am frugal is because I don't have a car to carry everything I buy in.  Yes, I love that throw pillow, and that beside table is on sale, but do I want to carry it home with me on the subway?  I think not! And back at "the Inn," my apartment is teeny so I can't fit anything in it anyway!  And more reasons to buy less stuff?  I will only use it for another while?, I might move when my lease goes up, I can't nail the walls of my rental, Where will I store it?  It's just not happening People!?!  I am a cook and I don't have a microwave or a toaster,  or many other things from my Williams Sonoma wish list.  How do I do it? Minimalism- its a way of life!

5. Awesome!
This is the coolest city and anyone here who dare to deny it- thou shalt change your ways!!
I don't mean to start an argument, but the bottom line is, I feel awesome and proud when I tell people where I live.  I have changed, grown and become proud of the woman I have become.  I have this city to that for that!

I live in New York city and I wear awesome panties!

Melissa Hoffman

survivingmormoncouple.blogspot.com

Come to New York!

Running After Blueberry Pancakes

This morning I ran my first 5k-  that's like 3.2 miles!  I couldn't believe I finished.  I hated it!  Like, a lot!  But I had to because my husband signed us up for a Zombi 5k in St. George, Utah and oh, yeah, it's THIS WEEKEND!!!

I am so nervous.  A zombie is going to run after me, pull my flag and I am going to be dead... as long as i don't faint first, because, oh yeah, it's still super hot in St. George.

So the last few months I have been "practicing" and have been running 1-2 miles 2-4 times a week!  THAT's good for me.  I felt healthy and happy and my daily runs gave me "permission" to snack more or have dessert later in the day (but let's face it, i'll eat it either way.)  This past weekend, while house/child/dog sitting, we went out to breakfast on Saturday to a restaurant that the boy suggested.  It was my first time to this restaurant whose motto was: "Better than Breakfast in Bed!" and which I have nicknamed, Stinky Jinky's, because it made me very sick.  Turns out, months before it had made my mom sick also.  Here's my mom's story first:

She doesn't usually go out to breakfast, because my mom is super awesome, hard working and thinks going out to eat at 9 in the morning is a waste of time.  I mean, why spend all you morning over a single meal, then, on top of it all, you have to spend the remainder of your wasted day on the toilet!?  Thanks for stealing my ENTIRE day Stinky Jinky's!

My story was that I ordered the Wild Blueberry, Banana, Strawberry Pancakes for $11.99 and all it was 3 pancakes with some fruit on top- REALLY!?!?! so that was super disappointing! Can't they have some culinary creativity back there instead of just plopping stuff on top on pancakes, really?? is a fourth grader back there!? because i'm sure he or she would be capable of making my 12 dollar breakfast.  Anyway, around 3:00, I headed for the bathroom and spent the remainder of the next few days wasting hours inside.  I would go into some detail about the discomfort, smells and the blueberry images, but, oops..

On Sunday, about 28 hours after the pancake consumption, we went on a walk.  It was about 3/4 of a mile from the house we were working at, to my parents house.  Halfway through the walk, I got goosebumps, it was BAD folks.  I RAN uphill, up two hills, and like I said, I never run.  So you could tell, I was pretty desperate!  It was awful!!  I got to my parents house and my dear mom helped me out. I was singing a Haleigh chorus when I found the garage door open, because at this point, every second counted!  I was so mad at those stupid twelve dollar Wild poopberry pancakes, stinky jinky's, you suck!

So, this weekend, if Zombies running after me isn't enough to encourage me to go faster, I will remember this Sunday, and run like the blueberry pancakes are coming for revenge, but please, please, please- Don't!

“It’s Maputo, I can cry if I want to”

Is what the 12 people I escorted were singing as I walked onto the bus when we ported in Maputo, Mozambique today.  As our first and only time in Mozambique, Maputo was a pretty boring place to spend it. 

Maputo was a 90/90 climate like NYC- 90 degrees and 90% humidity, except there was no Air Conditioned Starbucks you could hang out in a drink an Iced Passion Tea Lemonade.   This summer in New York, in order to get out of the heat I took the 2 ½ year old I babysat and went to The National History Museum a few times.  Today our guide did the same thing, except it was in Africa and the unemployment rate was 50% and there was no air conditioning.  In fact, it was a terrible museum and I never realized how I took for granted a good taxidermist. 

Seriously, this is some terrible work…eeeeewwww!!!

Thanks be to the man who took this picture of me and 1/2 a dead stuffed Lion!

P.S.  I didn't cry, it was actually a pretty good day!!!

Goodbye to You

Inspired 13 year-old me, inspired by Michelle Branch J

New York City is the greatest city in the world.  It’s seriously the best.  There is no other place like it. It makes all other places that call themselves “cities” seem teeny, unorganized and cleaner.  I can’t really explain why I like it so much.  Of course.. I have yet to be out of the country.  I am sure I will like other cities more than NYC in my lifetime.  But right now, NY is in its own category of awesome and huge, and it’s my favorite.

So many things entertain me here and I wish them all a grateful goodbye.

Goodbye Subway Entertainers.

Thank  you Woodside-61^st man for your trumpet rendition of Cruella D’Vil and the many other family favorites I enjoy. The time you sang Frankie Vallie’s “I Love you Baby” flat every single note AND winked at me at the same time, was inspiring.

Goodbye Single Old Guys

I will miss all the super tacky pick-up lines I received, all the times I answered “yes” when you asked if I was married, and the hope you had when asking, even though you’re over 70 and wearing slippers on the bus.  The fact that you think there could be a chance with me teaches me to really reach for the stars. 

Goodbye Single Young Guys

Now I can actually say someone had pulled the pick-up line: Where are you from?  Are you sure you’re not from heaven, cuz you look like an angel!

Yep, really happened.

Sometimes you’re crude, but sometimes you’re really funny.  Thanks for saying hi and then vocalizing that it’s going to be a good day because you saw me in my running shorts.  Not even my friends say that.

Thank you Closterphobia.

It was great having someone sit right next to me on the train, even though there was room on the bench nearby, in fact every other seat was open.  Thank you to the creeper who stood right behind me and then when I turned around to move my hair, you were staring right at me. Thank you Closter phobia.

I will miss you on the cruise ship. Wait?….

Goodbye Muttering Crazy Dude.

Goodbye Loud Scolding Black Mothers.

Goodbye Trannys.

Goodbye digital Solitare players.

Goodbye dead homeless man whose McDonalds breakfast meal is taking up two empty seats on the 4pm R train.

Goodbye New York.

Haha! Singing this song in my room every night in 8th grade is why I love singing so much and probably why I am going to sing on a boat for 8 months...turns out the song is about a goldfish!

The Part-time Job (that becomes full-time because you get promoted and you actually end up liking it)

While waiting for my magical journey on the cruise ship to begin I started working full-time at my part-time bakery job.  There wasn't a really big need in me to audition and (i got promoted and i actually ended up liking it!)

I could write a chapter in a book (yes, not a book, but a chapter-maybe 2) about my experiences while working in a bakery.  Here are some solid points.

1.  I overall enjoy working at a bakery because people come to get dessert so they are generally in a good mood!
2.  Other people come to get dessert, on assignment from the office, so they are generally in a bad mood.
3.  People are stupid.
I am too.  Really air-headed, some of the time.  It's getting worse and worse the older I get.
When I say people are stupid, I mean asking a question when the answer is right there in front of your face.  How much is this? $5.75 IT SAYS SO RIGHT IN FRONT OF YOUR FACE!
What kind of cupcakes do you have? THESE ONES! They are all carefully labeled, priced, described and organized in front of you. okay bye.
4.  In New York, people come from all over the world to talk to me.  We converse in half English.  I squint a lot and ask them a lot of different descriptive questions and use a lot of silly gestures.
I just KNOW I am going to annoy the crap out of every salesman I meet when I go to India, Turkey, South Africa, Mauritius, Lisbon, etc.
5.  I get a lot of great stories to come home with!

Here is a classic example of the language barrier:

 a Red Velvet Cupcake

Customer ordering this asks for:

Wed Belbid

Wedda Bedbit

Red Carpet

Red

Banilla y Red

Well Bellbid

Regular cupcake

I guess... this..?

That one

My job doesn't do much for the bank, but does LOTS to cure boredom, sugar up my love handles and keep me entertained for the next 3 weeks.  That's all?? Ahhh! I am SO EXCITED.  Neither of us are done with our paperwork- Doctors offices, Post offices,  Police offices, any kind of office, They are not making it easy on us.  Oh well, things always end up getting done somehow!

In the meantime, I have my part-time job :)

xoxo- Melissa

Living in New York

While I have lived in New York for only 9 months, I have picked up a lot and have grown on the idea of considering myself a New Yorker. True New Yorkers would argue I need about 8 more years and a few more boroughs of experience. But, if I can argue for myself, I have had several different jobs, met a ton of new people and I get a-round! I ride about 20-40 trains a week at all hours of the day/night and while most people think i'm from out of town, they usually guess Long Island as my birthplace.

Even though LI is technically New York City, locals call anything out of Manhattan “out of town,” anything north of the Bronx "upstate" & New Jersey the end-all, you'll never be New Yorker again. Here is a clip from our favorite t.v. show How I Met Your Mother, similar to this situation. 

-returning-new-yorkers

There’s also another great episode called: I Heart NJ in which they really just bash NJ and list why they love NY so much J  (also, sorry for the do-it reference :/)

I freaking LOVE New York. It is the perfect place for me and Ivan to live right now. There's always something to do, something to eat and always a cheap, free or crowded way of getting there. I love love love NYC and would choose to spend the rest of my life here! NY represents so many of my dreams- as a little girl, hs girl, college girl and my Broadway wishes :D Anytime I am having a bad day, I stop and stare at the ESB or Chrysler Bldg and my dreams wash over me and I'm happy again! I can't find many reasons to ever leave New York, but all of our family lives on the west coast so… - I just thought of a few reasons. After vacaying in  California/Malibu/Sacramento/Meadow Vista-Coming back to New York is where my dreams get a little twisted. After a weekend of Boogie boarding and tanning, my first 24 hours back in New York are filled with cringes, eye rolls and tiny mouth vomit. New York is either THE MOST FANTASTIC ANSWER TO MY DREAMS AND HOPES or eew, nast..get me out of here that homeless man just sneezed on my shoes.


Ivan and I agreed:

What's the most exciting thing about New York? Broadway.

What's the nastiest thing about New York? The subways at night. 


I would love you hear your answers to the same questions

NYC always hits you in the face. It is inspiring you with the talent of Broadway, the lights and sounds of Times Square, the thrill of 5th Ave. Shops and beauty of Central Park. On the other hand, it can smack you in the face with profanity, litter, rats, nudity and Girls,Girls,Girls flyers ~which are offered to Ivan as we walk hand-in-hand. To top it off, New York can shock you with the best-worst smell in the world-Urine!!!


"the best-worst" = the WORST, nastiest, wins the award for being the worst smell and grammatically can't be the "worst-worst." So it's hence the best-worst smell, in my talented nostrils opinion. 
It’s gross and I, regretfully, have gotten used to it.

In New York, you can be surrounded with the richest culture in the finest museums and the most intricate tastes and expensive foods, and the next minute be stumbled on by a half dead homeless dude who just crapped his pants. It happened!! (to the girl sitting next to me on the subway) I almost cried bad smell discharge from my eyes and had cheek cramping from holding a cringe/nose plug/laugh. 
Basically, New York is Claahssy!
In New York, you also deal with an array of new people. Last night, immediately coming of the plane, I was "greeted" by an airport employee waiting to pick up a passenger with a wheelchair. Her face looked EXACTLY like this:

Needless to say, I ran down the terminal without holding in my snort laugh, racing to Ivan, who had seen the same thing and laughed the same way ;) “We’re HOME!” This is what a NY welcome is to me! Welcome Back to us! Although it's only for one month. Soon, soon, soon to be living abroad. I cannot wait! And so, Living in New York is nuts but seriously one of the best experiences of my life!! Sooo far ;)