Chocolate & Diet Coke, Round Two

And so, I write a second chapter in the love story I began over one year ago:

A girl and her love for things that are bad for her. In this case "bad" only wines down to diet soda and Godiva, but still, every one has a little wickedness in them, right?

It's been a while, but nothing has changed! Popping open a cold can of Diet Coke on a hot summer morning is a happy feeling I can't fully express! Those commercials seemingly do it justice: open happiness! That's what I'm talking about! (NOT the Taylor Swift version, I would not want to be in a living room with 40 billion kittens with a face like that)
Now this is not an advertisement for my favorite beverage, although I wish a thousand times I got paid to write about this affair- my love for diet coke is always more prevalent when Ivan is away- DC has become a very traditional parting gift in our household. The longer you're gone, the more Diet Coke you need to supply!

Why do I need so much Diet Coke? Well, living life as a child who most always had a roommate, then as a college student who always had a roommate, to a bride of 19 who has slept beside a man for over 6 years, it is a little hard for me to be alone at night, with no one to fall asleep talking to. So, basically getting to sleep is an issue. I am a great sleeper and rarely have trouble sleeping or getting to sleep, but I think when I am alone I don't let myself fully relax and dose off- drinking endless supplies of caffeine is only making it worse.. much worse. At night, I don't let my mind stop working- I can sleep during the day just fine! but when the sun goes away- the scaries come out to play~ahhhh! Anyways, DC has become my routine again- I stay at work for 9 hours or more, filling my tummy with those sweet, sweet bubbles until I forget how tired I am- and every night I toss and turn and pay the price- what is this love I am in, Diet Coke!!??!

My relationship with chocolate had only become more seductive-

Earlier this year, I got into a car accident (I originally typed cat accident, can you imagine? It is like Swift's DC fantasy is my worst nightmare and reason I can't sleep at night!) anyway, a car accident that hurt my back and neck and I would take a bath to soak and relax! I set my iPad up on its little stand and would watch Hulu and just hang out until my back felt better and my fingers turned to raisins- apparently my fingers had anti-pruning agent, or I drank plenty of water while in the tub, but this would take me about the equivalent of 1 Bachelor episode- which, if you don't know is 90 minutes long with out commercials! So much of my freetime in January and February was spent in this spa-like state, and of course to up the ante, I would hit up GODIVA on the way home for a snack while I rewatched every season of the Mindy Project and countless other Hulu programs. Sure, I could be doing something useful, but laziness is just too easy, and truffle after truffle was just too delicious!


Several weeks of this routine and I realized I was getting fat! Laying around for hours is one thing, but laying around in hot water while you're stuffing your face with Scotchmallows and chocolate chip cookie dough is just sad. Well, it's a dream the first 5 times and then it becomes just sad...
So I started "working out" aka: running .5-1 miles and doing "my ab routine" aka: 5 minutes of complaining and 3 minutes of what Ivan tells me to do. I actually got good for a while! I felt much stronger and could do a plank for over a minute! Hoorah, I am making a comeback!

I think the point is, that every relationship needs a little balance.  I wish I was in love with running and kale and chia bars, but I chose Chocolate and Diet Coke instead..
Did running help me out when I got into a cat/car accident in January? No, the Doctor told me to stay away from you!  So, I crawled back to chocolate as per Drs orders!
Do kale smoothies have fun, joyful bubbles when you pour it into a glass? Nope, it has green clumps and strawberry seeds that get stuck in your straw and people giving you weird looks because your cup is full of brown clumpy drink and you have serious stank face!

Remember the way Diet Coke makes you smile every time you hear the bottle or can fizz when it opens? Go back to that, Melissa! Remember, when you had nothing else, not even someone to fall asleep talking to, chocolate and Diet Coke were there.  Sure they give you headaches and you gained 8 pounds, but they love you! You need to love them too!


We made it for this long, why not stick it out, right?
Cheers to you, Best Boyfriends!

Me and Diet Coke on a Romantic Evening Date.

Diet Coke and Chocolate

Living on Diet Coke & Chocolate has been my mantra the last 3 months I spent in a long distance relationship with my husband, Ivan.

It is coming to an end this Monday when I pick him up from LAX and we head out on a cruise ship to Asia until mid-May, making up for lost time by sleeping in a small cabin with bunk beds, ya know, the usual.

My lonely person diet of soda and candy took a couple of strong tolls on me during the process, hopefully not increasing my chances of early diabetes seeing as it is, after all, a diet.

My first panic moment was early during the long distance, about the second week of January.  I was moving, alone, in New York, it was freezing and holy mother and biscuits did I need a diet coke- stat!

I walked into the Rite Aid after church (umm… yes, let's pause here another time..) and went straight to the back coolers for a cold bottle of Diet Coke.  You would have guessed it, they were out.  I thought I could settle with a can, I'd even buy 6, or 12 if I had to, but they were out of those too! They we even out of 2-liters!

     I knew this couldn't be possible, this is Diet Coke we're talking about here! I asked a female clerk.  I think my words were somewhere along the lines of "I really need a Diet Coke, and I don't think you guys could be out of it, it's a fairly common purchase. I mean, you  wouldn't run out of cigarettes." Ok, I know, dramatic, but my reaction became even more theatrical when she looked around a proceeded to point me to the Caffeine free Diet Pepsi.  (Are you KIDDING me!!?!?!!?!?) I was livid.

         And I never tried to buy Diet Coke after church again.

My second experience was at the end of January.

I was visiting Ivan while on tour, but I stayed in the hotel for the night while he did his show.  I was in the car all day, I was tired and had some seriously bad gas cramps. BAD.

For this and other reasons I needed a Diet Coke.  I called the Front Desk to ask where any vending machines were or if they sold any at the front desk. (Heaven forbid I actually get up and look myself!)

They only carried Pepsi products (that's a shocker) but there was a CVS down the street.  So I grabbed my purse and set out!  I've never been addicted to anything, but my 5 minute walk to and around the inside of that CVS was the closest thing I'll ever get feeling Alcohol Withdrawal Syndrome. My heart was beating faster than I ever remember and my anxiety was racing.  

(Where is the Soda aisle????) My head turned at every corner and the nervous sweats started sinking in.  Finally, I found it. Diet Coke 20oz bottles 2/$3. (Exhale)

I opened one immediately and roamed around the store for some dinner solution.  It was 7pm and my plans were with the hotel bathtub and TLC Wedding Fridays.  I'm embarrassed to admit it, but I chose  a box of Little Debbie Valentine cakes, and it's not the first time I bought them….this year….

So there I am, standing in line with 1 1/2 bottles of Diet Coke and my box of fat girl problems.

And remember when I said I had gas cramps? Well, the Diet Coke served as a pretty excellent trigger for knocking out those suckers.. and that line at CVS was pretty long….

Although Diet Coke was saving my life at this moment, it ruined the evening of the 4 guys who were standing behind me. 

I could smell it from the back of the store!

What died?

Dude, that wasn't human!

It was a low point for me guys, a very low point.

For the next two months, Ivan kept touring and I had a mini fridge in my bedroom, stocked with cans of Diet Coke.  On top of the fridge was my chocolate stash. Everything was going perfectly.

And then we arrive at this afternoon.  A can of Diet Coke and chocolate came to my need at a time it was valued greatest.  I started my Saturday morning productive: packing, organizing, putting my expenditures into my excel spreadsheet, checking out my statements, and then I found it:

A letter from February 15, 2014 regarding a fee and new interest rate on my American Express.

I got on the phone.  I got the details, I started choking up, I asked more questions, I yelled at the representative and began sending texts to my husband.  I listened and texted.

I texted words in all caps.

Words like, FURIOUS, TWICE, FEES, LATE, and YOUR FAULT.

I was bawling.  I asked for a new representative. 

She said she could waive the fees.  I'm bawling even more.

My dad comes in and I can't get out the words - Ivan paid our american express bill late, we got a fee, and interest, I'm so mad, cry, cry, blah, blah. 

My mom hears and quickly leaves.  She comes back later and whispers something into my dad's ear.

At this point I'm laugh-crying.  Don't worry, this is typical of me. I'm embarrassed, I'm so upset, my dad is telling me it's not a big deal. There's no more fee, I apologize to my husband. I'm so mad, blah, blah, cry, cry.

Then my mom starts laughing and says, "Guess what? I just got on the phone with American Express because your father forgot to pay the bill on time and we got a fee too, but we got it waived."

More laugh-crying ensued and my emotional scale was thrown off for the rest of the day. Thank GOD for my mini fridge! 

There I was, sitting on my bed, crying into a Lindor truffle.

It was so pathetic. I was pathetic.

I cried. I laughed. I cried some more and pressed the Diet Coke to my lips until the hyperventilating subsided and my emotional scale dropped down to a 3.

And now I sit here, 8pm on a Saturday, finishing another Diet Coke, texting my husband who forgave me minutes after the ALL CAPS anger-text fiasco, and everything is ALL RIGHT.

So remember Ladies, Husbands may leave you, but you will always have chocolate and Diet Coke!

(except at the Rite Aid on Woodside Ave and 61st Street, screw you guys.)

Melissa Hoffman

reasons to get up in the morning

be it a hard-working husband, squirmy baby, bouncy puppy or grumbly tummy, everyone should have some reason to get up in the morning.

tuesday morning I had none of these.

except a job.
ugh.

i could be late, i guess.  I could go without shower, packed lunch or something to avoid getting out of bed on time, couldn't i?

i lay in bed thinking about my life and how bored i am without seeing my husband everyday.  i just wish i could sleep through the next six weeks until i see him again.

as i lay in bed, thinking, i thought about moving, i thought about new york, i though about my friends and i somehow thought about a certain friend and then i thought about the last thing we did together and that was make MUDDY BUDDIES. and somehow, the idea of getting out of bed to make and eat muddy buddies became the best reason i had to get out of bed and i did so with a smile on.

Thank you mini morning batch of Muddy Buddies

made by melting 1/8 cup. butter, 1/2 cup choc chips and 1/4 cup peanut butter

Adding vanilla, powdered sugar and 4 1/2 cups of Rice Chex.

and i had chocolately cereal and a diet coke for breakfast on the way to work at 9:30

and all was right with the world :)

i even saved some leftovers so i'll have a reason to get up tomorrow morning.

what i did for love.

 part ii: it's 3pm and there are RED VINES in the staff kitchen

An Angel left them there!

if your reason for getting out of bed in the morning involves powdered sugar and a kindergartener's snack, let's be friends please?