There are many thoughts and quotes going through my head recently. This summer seriously was more than I could have prayed for. (that was almost word for word one of my lines in the show)
After a magnificent experience like this show was, I spend a lot of time thinking where do I go from here. First I get all the things "I've been meaning to get around to" DONE, I spend hours missing my friends and trying to come up with ways I can see everyone again, and I try to feel normal again- but i don't want to feel normal- I want to feel better, because this show and summer has made me BETTER, and my expectations grow larger- a problem I have made for myself my entire life!
I don't know if I am expressing my confusion/feelings in a way that anyone can understand, but I have felt tied up in knots of hopeful, depressed, encouraged, second-guessing and peaceful- so basically, bipolar.
Here is a little backstory- The theatre world is full of... (fill in the blank)
I studied theatre at BYU. BYU/Mormon world is full of.... (fill in the blank)
Many theatre students who graduate BYU, leave the gospel of Jesus Christ (Mormonism) for varying reasons. However, we narrowed down the reasons to the simple answer that Theatre IS Religion, and you cannot simply have 2 different religions.
For this case, it made an interesting summer for myself. My rehearsals were on Sundays, i filled in my separate 40 hour work week and Show schedule by going to work on Sundays and I was not the best book for book "Mormon." Sure enough, I switched religions this summer. This show became my religion.
I felt a strong closeness with my Heavenly Father, but everything else in my life was so busy, I did not feel like the same matter-of-fact Mormon I was before. Maybe it lost priority, maybe I was overlooking things, but regardless, I felt worried. All of August this quote circled through my thoughts:
“Somehow we get the message that Heavenly Father doesn’t want the real us. He wants the prettied-up us, the does-everything-right us, the almost-perfect us. Sometimes we believe that Jesus is saying, ‘Clean up your act and then come back.’ But He wants us just as we are – broken, feeble, imperfect, limited in understanding and limited in achievement.”
Chieko Okazaki
Then This video happened:
And I said, ""I think that the Lord, His wish for us there, and his answer to our prayer was to get us on the right road as quickly as possible with some reassurance, with some understanding, that we were on the right road and we didn't have to worry about it, and in this case, the easiest way to do that was to let us go 400 yards or 500 yards on the wrong road, and very quickly know, without a doubt, that it was the wrong road, and therefore with equal certainty with equal conviction that the other one was the right road."" I have absolute certain knowledge, perfect knowledge, that God loves us. He is good, He is our Father, and He expects us to pray, and trust, and be believing, and not give up, and not panic, and not retreat, and not jump ship, when something doesn't seem to be going just right. We stay in, we keep working, we keep believing, keep trusting, following that same path and we will live to fall in His arms and feel His embrace and hear Him say, ""I told you that it'd be okay, I told you it would be all right.""
My worry can be blamed on my constant urge for perfectionism. But these quotes are resounding messages that THINGS ARE GOING TO BE ALRIGHT.
After a magnificent experience like this show was, I spend a lot of time thinking where do I go from here. First I get all the things "I've been meaning to get around to" DONE, I spend hours missing my friends and trying to come up with ways I can see everyone again, and I try to feel normal again- but i don't want to feel normal- I want to feel better, because this show and summer has made me BETTER, and my expectations grow larger- a problem I have made for myself my entire life!
I don't know if I am expressing my confusion/feelings in a way that anyone can understand, but I have felt tied up in knots of hopeful, depressed, encouraged, second-guessing and peaceful- so basically, bipolar.
Here is a little backstory- The theatre world is full of... (fill in the blank)
I studied theatre at BYU. BYU/Mormon world is full of.... (fill in the blank)
Many theatre students who graduate BYU, leave the gospel of Jesus Christ (Mormonism) for varying reasons. However, we narrowed down the reasons to the simple answer that Theatre IS Religion, and you cannot simply have 2 different religions.
For this case, it made an interesting summer for myself. My rehearsals were on Sundays, i filled in my separate 40 hour work week and Show schedule by going to work on Sundays and I was not the best book for book "Mormon." Sure enough, I switched religions this summer. This show became my religion.
I felt a strong closeness with my Heavenly Father, but everything else in my life was so busy, I did not feel like the same matter-of-fact Mormon I was before. Maybe it lost priority, maybe I was overlooking things, but regardless, I felt worried. All of August this quote circled through my thoughts:
“Somehow we get the message that Heavenly Father doesn’t want the real us. He wants the prettied-up us, the does-everything-right us, the almost-perfect us. Sometimes we believe that Jesus is saying, ‘Clean up your act and then come back.’ But He wants us just as we are – broken, feeble, imperfect, limited in understanding and limited in achievement.”
Chieko Okazaki
Then This video happened:
And I said, ""I think that the Lord, His wish for us there, and his answer to our prayer was to get us on the right road as quickly as possible with some reassurance, with some understanding, that we were on the right road and we didn't have to worry about it, and in this case, the easiest way to do that was to let us go 400 yards or 500 yards on the wrong road, and very quickly know, without a doubt, that it was the wrong road, and therefore with equal certainty with equal conviction that the other one was the right road."" I have absolute certain knowledge, perfect knowledge, that God loves us. He is good, He is our Father, and He expects us to pray, and trust, and be believing, and not give up, and not panic, and not retreat, and not jump ship, when something doesn't seem to be going just right. We stay in, we keep working, we keep believing, keep trusting, following that same path and we will live to fall in His arms and feel His embrace and hear Him say, ""I told you that it'd be okay, I told you it would be all right.""
My worry can be blamed on my constant urge for perfectionism. But these quotes are resounding messages that THINGS ARE GOING TO BE ALRIGHT.
I just need to take it one day at a time and know the He is always there.
I need to be happy and know that I am blessed.
One day at a time,
M
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