My testimony

Thank you to this stranger who took my photo at Seven Magic Mountains on my way to California :)

A few weeks ago, I took a video of myself talking in the car and basically telling the camera my testimony. It was focused around the happiness I felt and also receiving answers to prayers. 

It was only hours after the offer on our house was accepted and I was feel so much gratitude but also so much fear for the unknown!  Ivan was 100% confident about our house. He knew everything was right! I was happy and excited, but I did not feel 100%, nor did I know what feeling 100% certain on the house decision would even feel like.  I prayed a lot when we had initially made the offer, asking for some certainty I was expecting! Not only was I expecting certainty, I was expecting to feel more "complete" or more "adult" than before because of this big addition to our lives. 

While after many prayers I felt overall positive about our choice, I did not feel the clarity or completeness I had in mind.  Over the past year, I was unintentionally "inactive" at my church, because I was on the cruise ship for 6 months and did not port on Sundays so there was no way for me to physically be in a church building.  This is not the first time I've been in this predicament but it is the first time I had to do it on my own, without a husband there so we could encourage each other. While I never lost my testimony over the course of 2016, I did not spend the proper time nourishing it in the ways of scripture study, prayer and fasting. Instead, I let it float along with me- I followed the gospel and shared it with others, but failed to enrich my testimony through diligence of work and sacrifice! I felt some emptiness that I thought being a homeowner would fix. It did not. it could not. The only thing that could fix my testimony was to nourish it again. I needed to study MORE, to pray MORE and to FAST (i won't say more, i will just say fast AT ALL, because let's face it, I rarely sacrifice a meal) While I was still reading BoM occasionally and listening to conference talks weekly, I was spending much more time listening to music: musical theatre and it's art.

Musical theatre is an art form that has helped me grow in so many ways. 

I even have a testimony of musical theatre. But I could not use my testimony of musical theatre to replace my testimony of the gospel, I can use them together.

Some of my favorite lyrics of Hamilton are:

I am the one thing in life I can control

 I was the one who needed to build my testimony, not let it float along with me. 

I have a testimony of forgiveness. I believe in fresh starts- every day can be a fresh start!  We don't need to be perfect- we aren't expected to have a perfect track record for scripture study and we don't need to get down on ourselves with he whole week is blank, we just need to TRY and TRY AGAIN!

I have a testimony of families! I know families can be together forever because of temples and living worthy of our temple covenants. I love my family and I feel extra lucky to spend time with them in California this week! I know God loves me and I'm grateful for the lessons I get to learn in this life!

xo, Melissa

Things Going Just Right/ Where do we go from Here?

There are many thoughts and quotes going through my head recently.  This summer seriously was more than I could have prayed for. (that was almost word for word one of my lines in the show)

After a magnificent experience like this show was, I spend a lot of time thinking where do I go from here. First I get all the things "I've been meaning to get around to" DONE, I spend hours missing my friends and trying to come up with ways I can see everyone again, and I try to feel normal again- but i don't want to feel normal- I want to feel better, because this show and summer has made me BETTER, and my expectations grow larger- a problem I have made for myself my entire life!

I don't know if I am expressing my confusion/feelings in a way that anyone can understand, but I have felt tied up in knots of hopeful, depressed, encouraged, second-guessing and peaceful- so basically, bipolar. 

Here is a little backstory- The theatre world is full of... (fill in the blank)

I studied theatre at BYU. BYU/Mormon world is full of.... (fill in the blank)

Many theatre students who graduate BYU, leave the gospel of Jesus Christ (Mormonism) for varying reasons. However, we narrowed down the reasons to the simple answer that Theatre IS Religion, and you cannot simply have 2 different religions.

For this case, it made an interesting summer for myself. My rehearsals were on Sundays, i filled in my separate 40 hour work week and Show schedule by going to work on Sundays and I was not the best book for book "Mormon." Sure enough, I switched religions this summer. This show became my religion.

I felt a strong closeness with my Heavenly Father, but everything else in my life was so busy, I did not feel like the same matter-of-fact Mormon I was before.  Maybe it lost priority, maybe I was overlooking things, but regardless, I felt worried. All of August this quote circled through my thoughts:

“Somehow we get the message that Heavenly Father doesn’t want the real us. He wants the prettied-up us, the does-everything-right us, the almost-perfect us. Sometimes we believe that Jesus is saying, ‘Clean up your act and then come back.’ But He wants us just as we are – broken, feeble, imperfect, limited in understanding and limited in achievement.”
Chieko Okazaki

Then This video happened:

And I said, ""I think that the Lord, His wish for us there, and his answer to our prayer was to get us on the right road as quickly as possible with some reassurance, with some understanding, that we were on the right road and we didn't have to worry about it, and in this case, the easiest way to do that was to let us go 400 yards or 500 yards on the wrong road, and very quickly know, without a doubt, that it was the wrong road, and therefore with equal certainty with equal conviction that the other one was the right road."" I have absolute certain knowledge, perfect knowledge, that God loves us. He is good, He is our Father, and He expects us to pray, and trust, and be believing, and not give up, and not panic, and not retreat, and not jump ship, when something doesn't seem to be going just right. We stay in, we keep working, we keep believing, keep trusting, following that same path and we will live to fall in His arms and feel His embrace and hear Him say, ""I told you that it'd be okay, I told you it would be all right.""


My worry can be blamed on my constant urge for perfectionism. But these quotes are resounding messages that THINGS ARE GOING TO BE ALRIGHT. 

I just need to take it one day at a time and know the He is always there.

I need to be happy and know that I am blessed.

One day at a time, 

M

Summer Strengths

It is August 14th today which means it has been one month exactly since I have last written on the Blog. There has also been a lot that has happened- keeping me busy, out with my life and off the blog, a nice little summer break if you will.

But today I has a desire to come write on my blog and say a few things that are important to me.

1. I know the church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints is true. 
I don't express this testimony here on my blog very often, even though the title clearly states I am Mormon.  Nowadays, I feel like many people don't know the truth about our church. There are so many mixed messages, entertainment and anti- websites and literature. The only place to find the truth about Mormons is here: LDS.ORG and MORMON.ORG. Ivan and I go to church every Sunday, have callings in our ward we participate in weekly. We say our prayers daily together and separately and do our best to read scriptures and words from out leaders today. We live it. We love it. We love the temple and live worthy to go inside LDS Temples and learn and grow as we do so.

This month I am especially grateful for the blessings of this gospel because my brother just got married and sealed in the temple and my younger sister left to serve an 18 month mission for our church. The experiences bring my family closer, while building my faith and testimony of our Savior.
I know the church is true and I love being a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints.

2. Being Together is Important
I love being with my husband and spending quality time with him.  During the first quarter of the year, we spent apart in a long distance relationship for work.  Now, we are in a two bedroom condo, both working, living a seemingly normal routine and are able to spend time together eating meals, exercising, and still traveling of course.  Our love has grown and I am happy to be with my best friend.  Being with friends and family is also important.  Whenever I am having a rough time, my friends make we forget my troubles and my family makes me feel at home. THIS is where the happiness and joy in my life comes from: my relationships.

3. WORDS are such a powerful gift
I love having the opportunity to write, to express myself and to feel the confidence and joy and the comes from expressing the words of my heart.  Every summer I set lots of goals, many of which go unfinished:
reading books,
having a steady work out routine
reconnect with old friends
go outside more
the list of "things I could feel guilty for not doing" goes on and on.
But somehow, all the guilt is replaced by peace when I read a good quote, or make some of my own.
I know each day is an opportunity to try harder, be better and worry less.

A scripture that describes what I am feeling is ISAIAH CHAPTER 43 VERSES 1-5

1 But now thus saith the Lord that created thee, O Jacob, and he that formed thee, O Israel, Fear not: for I have redeemed thee, I have called thee by thy name; thou art mine.

 2 When thou passest through the waters, I will be with thee; and through the rivers, they shall not overflow thee: when thou walkest through the fire, thou shalt not be burned; neither shall the flame kindle upon thee.

 3 For I am the Lord thy God, the Holy One of Israel, thy Saviour: I gave Egypt for thy ransom, Ethiopia and Seba for thee.

 4 Since thou wast precious in my sight, thou hast been honourable, and I have loved thee: therefore will I give men for thee, and people for thy life.

 5 Fear not: for I am with thee: I will bring thy seed from the east, and gather thee from the west;

The best parts that stand out to me in these verses are the phrases:

I have called thee by name, Thou art mine. 

I will be with thee. Fear Not.

After so many reasons to be fearful and worried and overwhelmed and tired,
there are infinite reasons to be at PEACE.
This is my reason.
He is my reason.